A year ago today (September 12, 2013) feels like yesterday. It was one of the biggest days of my life, yet I haven’t really shared much about what my husband and I experienced that day. Just 5 days before, we announced we were expecting! We had the confirmation doctors appointment and choose to make our news public at just 6 ½ weeks pregnant. Then came what I thought was the worst days… bleeding, cramping, cold sweats. Two different nights I felt like I was going to pass out and not make it through the pain. The first time I called the doctor, they said it was implantation, but I knew that didn’t make sense with being almost 7 weeks. The second time it happened, I was able to schedule an ultrasound for the next day. I remember laying in bed that early morning, still bleeding and crying about the thought of a miscarriage. I sent out a text to my mom, my sister and my best friend that said “please pray for my baby.”
When my husband and I arrived at the doctor on September 12th, we both were at peace. The room was silent as we watched the TV screen (although I wasn’t sure what I was looking for). With no excitement, the tech soon said “Well, I see two babies.” I remember I held my breath and then cried, then laughed, then cried AND laughed. It was very hard to keep still. I wanted to jump up and hug Thomas who was next to me squeezing my hand with excitement. I exclaimed “are you serious!?!” and the tech said “if I lied about that, I would loose my job.”
I think our appointment was close to an hour. We got to see not one, but two little heartbeats on the screen. It was truly amazing. Each baby had their own sack… but if there were only two babies, why were their three sacks? That’s the part of the story that I don’t talk about much. I struggled with grieving over a possible 3rd baby because I was blessed with not just one, but TWO little bundles. I was still pregnant! At that first appointment, however, the doctor couldn’t confirm nor deny if the 3rd sack had a baby that we lost or if it was a hemorrhage that developed.
On September 27th at just over 9 weeks pregnant, the 3rd sack was still there, and I was still bleeding. I think I was even more excited that day to still see two healthy heartbeats. I was already showing so much that we decided to make our twin announcement public. From then on, it was just about two babies… but not to me.
At my 12 week ultrasound, the 3rd sack had shed and I had no other complications beyond that point. I was labeled a “high risk” pregnancy, but that just meant I got to have lots of ultrasounds and see my babies every 2-4 weeks. I was so joyful and completely blessed that I quickly got over what I had experienced the beginning weeks of my pregnancy.
Flash forward several months to my water breaking, preterm labor, a c-section and the birth of my two little 3 pound baby boys. Bringing Thomas II home after 6 weeks in the NICU was such a happy day. Matthew’s homecoming 5 days later on my birthday was even better now that we were all together. But those were the days (April 2014) that I thought about our 3rd baby the most. I struggled emotionally at the thought of bringing their brothers home without them joining our family. But they are part of our family. We talk about him/her to the boys. We tell Thomas II and Matthew that they have a brother or sister in heaven.
It might sound weird to anyone who hasn’t experienced this. I might even sound crazy that I feel/felt this way and still have two children to hold. I think that’s what kept me quiet, out of fear of being vulnerable and no one understanding (it’s hard enough for people to understand what it’s like having twins). When people see me in the craziness and say “can you imagine how triplets would be?” I actually do imagine that. Today though, a year later, I celebrate the memories because I believe life happens at conception, and I know we will meet our little triplet one day.
